Do you ever hide away in fear of being ‘seen’?
Do you ever hesitate before speaking?
Do you ever stop yourself from doing something or saying something and you’re not sure why?
I’ve had an epiphany in the past week or so …
I’ve been in hiding for a long time …
I dug myself a deep hole when I was a child, for protection, security and quiet, and I hid in there until my life changed dramatically in my mid thirties.
My husband died suddenly, and that forced me to confront my demons and to gradually realise that the walls of earth I had built for protection were actually a prison cell.
Over the past few years I’ve found a way to open the cell door. Yet just in the past week, I’ve noticed I’m still in prison.
I’ve been gradually coming up and out over the past year, peeking my head through the front gates, but I’ve still held back… afraid, uncertain.
That hesitancy is costing me dearly … in wasted energy, wondering how much of me is visible, am I hidden well enough, could I run back inside if I really wanted to..?
One phrase that popped into my head is ‘The truth will set you free’ …
What am I afraid of …. really?
That people won’t like me if they ‘really’ knew me ?
That they could hurt me if they knew the truth?
That people would be shocked … wouldn’t think I was ‘professional’ enough if they knew ?
Or maybe that they could reject me, not accept the ‘REAL me’ ?
This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write, but I feel on the brink of something, like a young snake just about to shed its skin. I’ve come to realise that
Until I accept myself, exactly as I am (and be willing to speak about it), then I can never truly be free.
That phrase keeps whooshing through my brain…
The truth will set you free.
And I really want to be free.
And I can be honest now, even though part of me is scared witless; I have an unconditional feeling of safety and being nurtured, from deep within. And I have a deep trust and belief in the ultimate power of the Universe to keep me safe.
Here’s what I’ve been hiding:
All my life I’ve had significant challenges in both sensory processing and social interaction, and I believe I probably have Asperger Syndrome (a form of autism or ASD).
There, I’ve said it.
I’ve taken ownership of my own experience, and that’s powerful …
So what does that mean for me now ?
Like a butterfly emerging from its chrysalis, I can unfurl my beautiful, powerful wings and I can go wherever I want to go.
Because I’m still me, and the truth has set me free!
Do you long to be free?
Are there aspects of you that you’re keeping well hidden?
What is it costing you to keep hiding (even from yourself)?
How would your life be different if you could be open and honest with yourself?
What might enable you to feel safe enough to step outside your prison cell?
I had a guest blog published on the subject of having an unconditional feeling of love and connection with yourself.
I think the key to feeling safe with fears and difficult emotions, is to find a source of nurturing within yourself; a place, a ‘part’ of you that’s always available to love you and to listen to you.
How do you find a source of nurturing inside yourself ?
I was working with a client recently who was struggling to find a sense of nurture, mothering and safety inside herself, a place that would ‘hold’ anything she wanted to bring to the surface.
My suggestion to her, I would also give to you:
1) Imagine someone or something that you really love unconditionally (a pet, a partner, a child), and think about how much you love them.
Bring some detail into that experience of love; for example if it’s a person, imagine a scene in detail with you actively expressing your love.
- What does your love look like (for example, what are you doing when you express your love? Do you listen to this person when they want to talk about their worries, do you arrange nice things for you to do together?)
- What does your love sound like ? (for example, what do you say to this person when you’re expressing your love?)
- What does your love really feel like? (for example, if you’re picturing the scene and hearing the words, what internal feeling do you have? You might find you have a warm glow inside, or another physical sensation in your body.)
2) Practice bringing your experience of love into your awareness more often, engaging all of your senses, so that it becomes stronger and more powerful.
You can then use that feeling of love to support you when you want to be more open and honest with yourself.
If you can love someone else, then you have all you need to love and nurture yourself.
Then you’ll be more able to acknowledge your own truth, and accept yourself as you really are.
And once you feel safe enough to express what you really want to say, you can unfurl your own beautiful, powerful wings; the truth will set you free!
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