Do you find yourself feeling shy and insecure and not knowing who is the right person for you to ‘be’ when you interact with people?
Do you ever find yourself putting on an act, pretending to be a certain way, to fit in so that other people will like you better ?
You might feel like a flag blowing in the wind with no fixed personality.
I know how that feels, it’s really tiring both physically and emotionally.
And it’s also frustrating because you seem to do it automatically, and then beat yourself up afterwards, because that’s not how you want to be.
Be kind to yourself – there is a way out of this – and part of the solution is to
find an ‘anchor’ for yourself, a solid grounded sense of ‘wholeness’ that’s unaffected by whatever is going on around you
Being aware of what’s going on CONSCIOUSLY is really important! So if you can already see that this is a problem for you, then you’re well on your way to overcoming it.
The next steps are to uncover what’s going on UNconsciously.
The feelings underneath may be tangled up in knots of fear.
Watch the video!
To untangle these knots, and learn how to overcome shyness,
Firstly, take some time to check in with yourself and ask that small part of you –
1) what are you scared of?
You might get an answer something like – I’m scared they won’t like me, or they’ll judge me, I’m scared they’ll reject me.
Or even people won’t like the ‘real’ me.
When you have your answer, you can thank that part of you for being vulnerable and honest (because it takes courage to say it like it is)
Then you can ask yourself –
2) what does this situation remind you of?
This question can bring up a whole host of memories, or it might take some time to come out.
This is really trying to tap into what happened in the past, a situation perhaps from childhood, that has caused this fear reaction to become trapped inside.
So for example you might get
It reminds me of when I moved to a new school and no-one liked me and I had no friends
It reminds me of when my Mum got really cross with me because I was ’too shy’ and not like the other children.
Whatever answer you get, trust that, and then ask yourself
3) what do you need?
To use the examples above you might get
I need to have a friend, and to be accepted as one of them
I need to have a hug from my Mum and for her to tell me that she loves me just the way I am
4) whatever you need – give that to yourself
It might seem strange if you haven’t done it before, but it is totally possible to be a friend to yourself, to give yourself a hug and to let yourself know that you’re loved just as you are.
I believe that’s where it all begins – deep inside yourself. One of the kindest things you can give to yourself is a feeling of nurturing, compassion and understanding.
If you need a hug, then you can give yourself a hug. If you prefer, you can use a doll or a teddy, and imagine that that is the small part of you – and give that a hug instead.
You can do this internally – just imagine that small part of you, and giving her what she needs from the inside.
It might seem silly, but the truth is that the small, scared part of you is still very much present – and she needs you to acknowledge her for who she is and how she feels.
Your inner child can feel vulnerable, even now you’re an adult.
If you regularly find yourself trying to pretend to be someone you’re not, in order to fit in, then that’s a sure sign that it’s time to look deeper at what’s going on underneath, so you can begin to create your own ‘anchor’ and grounded sense of wholeness that you can come back to, in any situation.
Showing empathy for yourself when you’re scared is the kindest thing you can do, and it’s the foundation for learning and practicing new behaviours to deal with difficult situations.
One way to develop a closer relationship with your inner child is to listen to a guided meditation, that will lead the adult part of you to relax deeply so you can meet your inner child where she is, and start to listen to her more often.
If you’d like a copy of my guided meditation then email me and I’ll send one to you!
Please pass it on!
If you found this article helpful please click the icons below to spread the word on social media, or email it to someone.
I really liked this little video, Ann. Although I’m an introvert, I’m pretty “out-there” and so it’s good for me to stay in touch with the needs of shy people. My 14 yr old granddaughter is one of those people, and this video was really helpful for me as I consider her needs. Thanks so much!
Thanks for your comment Mia! Really glad it was helpful. Yep I know some people confuse the terms ‘shy’ and ‘introverted’ – but, as you know, they are not the same thing!
This is so important for young teenagers as they learn to navigate the world, at the same time as try to figure out how they fit in … Sending love and courageous vibes to your granddaughter! 🙂
Hi Ann! Thanks for writing this and making this wonderful video. After writing myself about how we should all have more confidence, I found myself having a shy moment at the weekend with a group of ‘spiritual’ people I felt inferior around. I was really annoyed with myself because I know logically it makes no sense. This has reminded me to be kinder to myself Thank you!
Thanks for taking the time to comment Louise, and glad it helped you remember to be kind to yourself! 🙂
Such a wonderful, comforting video, Ann. I loved just listening to your voice – so happy to learn you recorded a guided meditation – will immediately subscribe 🙂
I’ve worked hard to overcome my shyness, but inside I often still struggle. I will defenitely try this technique! Thanks a lot 🙂
So glad you found it helpful Ann-Sofi, and thanks so much for your comment. Wishing you much love and connection with your inner child 🙂
I am really grateful to have found your website and video’s . I am systematically through them. I think I am comfortable being the observer watching from the fringes but often feel the pressure to conform and join in and then react awkwardly. I have subscribed to the meditation and am looking forward to practicing it.Thanks
Hi Sally, thanks for your comment! I’m really pleased you found them helpful. I hope you enjoy the meditation – it does work more deeply the more you listen to it. Do let me know if you have any questions or any topics you’d like me to write/speak about. 🙂