Many of us have a range of behaviours that are not helpful. You might work many more hours than you need to. Maybe you always say yes to any request, and go out of your way to help people. You might be a perfectionist, putting in 110% effort, and beating yourself up for any mistakes.
On the surface, you’d call this self-sabotage. But these behaviours are designed to compensate for a lack of self-worth. (I’ve written about that here.)
Self-worth and why it might be lacking.
Self-worth means having a deep, trusting relationship with yourself. It’s a state of complete self-acceptance and self-compassion. And self-worth is essential for our long term wellbeing.
When we have self-worth, we feel secure in who we are, no matter what other people might think of us. Our self-worth develops as a result of how our caregivers treated us when we were growing up. If, like many of us, your caregivers did not take care of your emotional needs, then you might not have strong self-worth. And that makes us prone to self-sabotage.
But there is a way through!
How do we stop self-sabotaging behaviours ?
In a previous post I explored the link between checking your emails in bed, and your lack of self-worth. (you can read that here.) In this post, I want to share how you can stop your habit of checking emails in bed.
You need to come at this from two angles: practical and emotional.
Practical steps for how to stop checking emails in bed.
- Decide when you’re going to be ‘unavailable’ and stick to it.
- Turn off your phone in the evening and leave it in a separate room overnight. (Use an alarm clock if you need help waking up in the morning).
- Choose a different activity to replace looking at your phone. For example, you could read a book, write in your journal or listen to music. You’re now consciously choosing how to use your time!
Experiment to see what works for you. And be kind to yourself if you slip up. It will take a few days to adjust but you’ll be thankful you did it!.
(I recently stopped having my phone next to me all the time. You can read about that story here.)
Emotional steps to stop checking emails (and increase your self-worth).
Self-worth means having a deep, trusting relationship with yourself. Increasing your self-worth is a multilayered journey and a huge topic. There is no ‘critical’ first step. Any step in the right direction is helpful!
One powerful exercise you might find enlightening is to talk to yourself in a mirror. Take a mirror, any size as long you can see your face.
Look into your eyes and say these phrases:
“I love you.
You are worthy of love and belonging, just as you are.
I love and accept you with all your quirks and flaws.
You deserve to be happy.
You deserve to feel calm and confident. ”
Notice what happens in your mind and body as you say those words. If you find other supportive words you’d rather say, then use those instead. Keep a note in your journal about what the experience was like.
There is no ‘right’ way to do this. Whatever happens is perfectly fine. Whether you end up bawling your eyes out, or you think it’s stupid and refuse to do it, please stick with it. You’re not expecting perfection or for this to be easy! Try doing it for very short times, even 30 seconds is useful.
Keep doing this practice daily, for at least a week, and note how things change over time.
By doing this, you’re practicing how to speak to yourself with love and compassion. This ability will come in handy for the next step.
Other steps you can do to increase your self-worth:
Many of us are harsh and critical with ourselves when we make mistakes. Try to notice and catch those critical words, and consciously be more kind and loving. (I’ll write more about how to do that later.) This will improve your self-worth by default.
Even if you thrive when you’re alone (like me), it’s important to regularly connect with safe people who care about you. Make sure you’re spending enough time with people who ‘get you’. You’ll know who they are because you can be yourself with them. And they will actively listen with empathy and compassion. Those people might be rare in your life, so actively nurture those relationships! Your feelings of self-worth increase when you feel seen, and cared for by safe people.
Stopping bad habits requires both a practical and an emotional element.
When you want to reclaim your time, and stop checking emails in bed, you need a two layer action plan. You need to separate yourself from your phone, at times that you choose. And you need to nurture your relationship with yourself. (which will naturally develop your self-worth).
By doing this, you’re giving yourself the best chance of stopping that bad habit for good!